on spirituality

in honor of winter, the season of pondering, ive untangled some bigger knots in my brain for everyone’s viewing pleasure

as I move into a less intentional time of my life, turns out when you’re insanely busy there is no time for thoughts that scratch farther than the second layer of paint, I find myself yearning for a connection again to something outside of our anthropomorphic society.

growing up I always felt like I was connected to something bigger than just science, but that was a secret only shared within my own head. My parents are atheists, which I also consider myself to be, and however also extremely logical people. They always said there’s no such thing as god because evolution happened and there’s scientific proof, and non-animal beings don’t exist, however I always felt like that didn’t feel completely true. There’s simply too many connections with unknown sources to believe that. I remember secretly believing in ghosts, those footsteps I heard at night wasn’t just the wind there’s no way, coincidences happening weren’t just coincidences. When I got older I learned about fate, and started to kind of believe it.

Now, I’m still not so sure what I believe, yeah everything happens for a reason but is fate real or is the reason because choices you make create new realities down the line, goals often come to fruition.

Moving out of my parents house at 18 finally gave me the freedom to have different opinions than them, to explore different realities. Not that these weren’t conversations and beliefs that I was forming before, however when you live in the same roof as someone their opinions tend to linger over you, infiltrating without you really realizing. That combined with already existing parental wounds created a shame to believe differently than them, which was why suddenly having this freedom of expression and self felt so exciting, something I’m sure is quite relatable for many of us. The next few years I had many conversations with all my new friends about our different relationships with spirituality and was exposed to so many different sides of things. Unfortunately for the white colonial world, Christianity was never one of the ones that resonated with me for many reasons I don’t need to state here, however it also isn’t something that necessarily bothers me when other people believe it, obviously situationally dependent. However, religion has been a core part of the human existence for literally as long as we have existed I’m pretty sure (please don’t quote me on that I didn’t do my research) and the fact that now there’s mainstream trendy whitewashed religion as the forefront of the concept of religion is truly diabolical in my personal opinion. Religious shouldn’t be a synonym for Christianity, not that it always is, however it’s something I’ve commonly heard. This brings the thought of the atheist identity to mind, am I, and many others with this identity, truly atheist or just not believers of mainstream religion, specifically ones featuring Jesus. No answer to that question yet but posing it nonetheless. A quick google search led me to learn that the official definition of atheist is “a person who disbelieves or lacks belief in the existence of God or gods.” Which in some ways answers my question however in other ways proves my point, giving us much to think about…

There have been a few times in my life where something incredibly unfortunate has occurred to someone that I know and hold close, and I definitely didn’t pray, but I’m not going to act like I didn’t sit and think about gut feelings and intuition and the metaphysical version of someone’s existence and ask for that to be okay. There’s times unfortunate things have happened to me and I have had thoughts outside of logic or reason and it feels as if they have been answered. And then there’s ideas of manifestation, which in some ways it’s just another word for working intentionally towards a set goal, but also the methods don’t always necessarily seem like they’d get you there. This is really just a lot of random thoughts jumbled onto a page, but on my road trip and when it’s a little stormy outside and now with my developed brain love spirituality and the anthropomorphic relationship to it has taken up a large corner of my thought tangles recently.

there is no fathomable way that our world exists only in the dimension we live in with scientific reason for things, with no fate or purpose or other realities etc. there are just too many coincidences in this world.

I’m intrigued to hear other opinions on spirituality and excited to see where my journey brings me to in the next seven years of my life as the last seven have been quite the journey, positive by the way, in that department.

Xoxo

ab